It seems disgusting but almost nothing at all has changed since I posted my last post in June last year. Im still with Michael and I still am not physically with him. Hes had the same old slack job as a pizza delivery guy making me promises every couple of months about him getting a second job or doing something different, let me just give you the run through of promises and ideas; he started a certification through an online school to be an electrician ( he never finished it and is like half way through and will most likely never pick it back up), looked into working at the powerplant like his mom does, looked into being a jailer, a cop (in knoxville and charlotte), looked into going back to community college and now is looking into his recent plan of going to a whole different school to learn to be a welder. Now I love Michael but all this has been rediculous i rarely ever see him because... yes he did buy the car i told him repeatly not to get and he ignored me and did it anyways, so now thats where the majority of his money is going towards since his car payments are embarrising next to his income. We didnt even get to see each other for the month of December because of it which is cruel because I have both my birthday and christmas in that month. I've gotten pretty much sick of this whole thing and it drives me crazy, we even talked about going on a brake because I can barely speak to him without getting a headache. Its one excuse after another and i want to tear him apart whenever i hear hes playing a computer game and not working or doing something. Were becoming more of what we were and its scaring me, Ive become more driven causing me to apply myself and put myself into pharmacy tech certification the first day I could apply Nov. 8th at 8am. Even though the classes don't actually start til January 25th. I've been working my ass off this year, I saved up my share of the car with $3,000 which turned out my mom lost a lot of work in Nov and Dec so she owes me about $2,000 now and her half of the money. Aside from this though I did save all the money given to me around my birthday and christmas and used it to start my wedding fund on my own with $1,300 and growing, thank god I don't have bills now, but I will once I get my money back from my mom and I get my car. My life has been so frustrating and I've been so sick of hearing the excuses, I even talked to Michaels mom over Facebook who decided what I say was too one sided and she had to defend her son in saying that he had his dreams too and I should let him explore them instead of trying to conform him to what I want in my life. I let him look into his so called dreams of joining the force he was 30lbs over weight to join the air force and the coast gaurd wont recruit again til next October. Besides like everything else in his life hed be doing something if he wanted it bad enough. Im almost as poor as a church mouse but I choose to work my ass off and save every penny I earn to try and make my wedding happen. But for the last 2 weeks its seemed rediculous and Ive told Michael that I have almost $1500 in our wedding account that I have earned on my own and if I have to pay for my own wedding I will resent him and he will be emasculated in my eyes for not trying to support the woman he proposed to, it wouldnt make him less of a man but he would be much less than a husband. This caused me to look into singles cruises and ways of how I would deal with this if it turned into a break up because after saving and working and moving out to NC for him to just do nothing and fill me with empty promises I still have in turn no friends to lean on. Powers went off to college in Raliegh back in Sept and I havent really heard anything from her at all since, and all my friends in Cali got involved with their own lives dealing with work and college which I cant blame them but my life currently is lonely. Although its been a bit more colorful with my cousin Cindy moving in which has been a blessing and a curse shes almost bi-polar working on her incarcerated husbands paperwork to say he was unfairly accused and her constantly cinicism tolds married life which turns to humor and brief glimces of optimism. It is however unnecessary to listen to when I have plenty of problems I am not as open to speaking about in person as she is. Infact the most personal conversations have been over xanga which helps a little. Michael and I havent broken up he keeps talking about going back to school and trying to do something through schooling but well see. Im being optimistic and give him another chance while I go through my pharmacy school which ironically ill be doing purely for him because if he wasnt in the picture I would be focusing on long term schooling for a bachelors. My class ends in May if by then Im still saving alone I will use my wedding savings towards a well deserved vacation the one that I actually am hoping to be my honeymoon. Jeez we all have problems I just hate talking about my own and everything Ive went through this last year it sounds pathetic. I really do love him but I just cant do this on my own and that really comes down to it. If you cant take care of yourself you cant take care of anyone else.
so a couple of nights ago i hung out with powers after working we both had bad days and didnt really have much else to talk about so I tried talking about her boyfriend. this led to talking about michael now i told powers about what has been going on and she asked what will you do if he doesnt get his shit together, Im surprised your still trying to make it work Id just brake up. I said I love him, Id probably try to just get an apartment myself. She basically acted like I was a moron and a tool. I felt this way and it made me sick. I told katie the same situation and asked her what she would do. This is directly what she said through my aim.
RockStr683 (1:04:45 AM):get on his ass and tell him he needs to stop spending money like its burning a hole in his wallet, put it in savings, find a second job and don't even think about buying a new car because if he's bloody fucking serious about marrying you and your guys' future, then he should be doing everything in his fucking power to be damned sure that the wedding actually bloody happens and you can start a happy life together
I guess after posting it, it changed my font... o well anyways. Im just sick of it I love him too much to leave him. Ive worked too hard for this relationship just to let it go and all I wish is for him to show me a similar kind of love. I mean I move across the country I let him take a crappy job to make him happier even though it sacrifices money and I told him I will give up on my dream of marriage for a few years to try and get our stuff together. I told him I just want him to get a second job and move out of his parents house. I dont even care where he moves anymore I just want him to do something to show he gives half a damn about this relationship as much as I do.
So my mom and I just got done listening to the skeptics guide to the universe the episode where rebecca marries her long distance bf on the spot in the middle of a convention podcast. It was cute, romantic, sweet, and yet i wanted to cry. Not happy tears more like tears of misery, im so fucking depressed, and sick from seeing a year go by and although now i live on the east coast (4 hours away from Michael). I still am not with him, I basically had to accept a couple months ago that i will not marry Michael soon at all infact it looks like years. Without having the support of my family for basically anything i really want besides college and that will only stand til I get married. the money in my account right now will be going towards a car i have to buy, and after that i will continue saving for more months in hopes on helping Michael get an apartment. Even then Michael is reluctant to move out of Knoxville and keeps coming up with excuses on why he wont move to North Carolina, I really dont want to move to Tennessee but my love for him must be stronger than his love for me because I am willing to put up with a place I hate to be with him. I feel pathetic, Ive looked into trying to start college early which I will not be able to do, I tried to get a certification, that didnt work out either. I tried to get a second job, right now no one seems to be able to find any work and im just lucky I have the job I have. I even have been trying to buy lottery tickets out of my last shread of dignity and desperation. Im just sick of no one being on my side and me trying to work so hard for something which is almost not obtainable at all. Even as I write this I cry. I will never wish a long distance relationship on anyone there is pain in it that isnt even comparible.
So today I woke up 3 times the first at 9:30am had breakfast and mom wasn't awake so I went back to bed. Again at 1:00pm mom pissed me off talking about how Michael needs to move out here and live with a roommate before I move in with him to see if he can handle life 'on his own'. Im his fiancee, I want to be with him, and I should be with him, I do not believe that more time apart is what is necessary. Michael is just as capable as any other struggling person in their early 20s of getting a place and me living with him. Anyways, so this pissed me off and I decided just to go back to bed and sleep off my anger because knowing me it was either that or eat and Im sick of not being able to fit my fat ass into 4 of the 6 pairs of jeans I own, so sleep it was. I heard my phone recieve a text around 5:30pm and it woke me up, waking me up for the 3rd time today. It was Powers, she wanted to go to a movie and just hang out a while. We've both been bored and lonely so dispite my last posting in regards to Powers I said okay. We went down to the Arbotretum or whatever the "Arbo" she calls it and sat by the lake behind all the resturants. we were going to go to a movie but neither one of us were that interested in seeing the movies that were out so we literally just talked for like 5 hours about everything from our families, to our long distance relationships, to schooling, to shopping. She pointed out to me that I had said before I was an independant person which she saw to be true but except for when it came to Michael. i constantly checked my phone and was more than annoyed when I saw a text from Michael that he was going to bed early at his friends instead of calling me like he does every night. I knew full well he was exhausted from the waterpark and needed sleep but I called him anyways to satisfy my own need for attention. I dont get much anymore because of the ring on my finger so any male affection needs to be shown by him. I would never act on the flirtations of other guys but at least it made me attractive when my fiance is not around to tell me himself. It feels a little like im loosing him a bit, he doesnt flirt with me like he used to and hasnt been calling me as much either Im trying as hard as I can to keep his attention but it feels like im just being clingy and if anything its pushing him away more. sad thing is hes not talking to me about this or recognizing it so nothing is getting fixed. i just want him to want to be with me in the same kind of desperation he had when I first moved out. I know at what point I saw it seem to slowly stop being so persistant, it was when we were talking about being engaged. I was looking for him to make some kind of next move I didnt care if that meant him saving money, going back to school,proposing, getting a second job, or moving out something. we argued more and more because it was taking months and i think it had been the arguing that made it hard. its hard enough already not being together. I told Powers I just dont want to cry anymore, I love him so much that not being around him I cry just about every night tearing myself apart. I would give anything to have him living with me. I just wish my mom wouldnt make this so hard on me, really Michael and I would probably already be moved out if he could stay in Knoxville to be close to his dying grandmother. My mom wont let me move to knoxville, she'll take it personally like im running away from her and leaving her, believe me if i couldjust move her out there into her own apartment I would but this is rediculous im not happy and I just dont think I will be if I have to stay in this situation.
Michael and I had our 1 year on the 11th, we havent seen each other yet. But its because Im trying to plan a weekend get away with just him and I camping out at the beach. So Im waiting for my paycheck to buy us a sleeping bag and a lantern. I was talking to Michael last night about what kind of wedding ring he wanted he found this great mother of pearl and titanium ring. Then he told me that he wanted to know if he could have it as an engagement ring. I said yes but I was surprised. I knew of guys who didnt even wear wedding rings but heres my love asking for an engagement ring. I was wondering if there had been other guys who willingly wear engagement rings? I mean I love the idea of us both having an engagement ring and going through it together even though were apart. Its really sweet. Ill buy him the ring as a 1 year anniversary gift for when I see him again. He deserves it, I love him. he said he may even become so attached that he will want to use it as a wedding ring as well.
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